therapy has been an important fixture in my life for 2.5 years. i started therapy because i knew i was going to go through a tough breakup and would need substantial support through it. i’m so grateful i had the foresight to seek out professional help, and i’m blessed that the first therapist who called me was the right fit (shoutout eduardo!).
i learned how to consider other realities and possibilities that made me uncomfortable or scared. i learned how to embrace that the right way forward for me was the most uncomfortable and the most scary at the time. i had to dig in and challenge what i knew about my life and how i was living it. i was codependent on my boyfriend. i was taking advantage of the kindness of others. i was behaving selfishly in ways i wasn’t aware of, in a time where i felt like i had so much self-awareness. but i also discovered i was taking on so much shame and guilt for how that relationship and how other friendships ended. i learned that relationships take two people.
in going to therapy, i carved out the space to build my foundation. i have a clear set of values that i live by and learn how to live out differently with each new challenge. what is the kindest and most respectful thing i can do for myself and for the other person? what does it mean to commit? is my ego speaking? what does it look like to celebrate myself and the people around me? am i practicing abundance? how can i get curious? even as i write this, coming back to these core questions gives me peace with the challenges i’m facing. i am now someone who embraces being wrong. i want to have my mind changed. i show up for my family and my friends. most radically of all, i show up for myself in ways i could have never imagined. when i started therapy, i told myself i wouldn’t enter a new relationship until i knew how to be my own emotional rock. in the process, i learned how to be my greatest joy.
i wrapped up my work with my first therapist because i was moving from chicago to la. this was the last big thing i needed to do to decouple completely from that last relationship. even so, i sensed that i had more work i needed to do, so i found another therapist in california. she helped me recognize how my last relationship was still affecting me, pursue new relationships in healthier ways, and weather all the interpersonal challenges that surfaced. we strengthened the foundation i built in chicago, and i learned how to lean more into my power and freedom. (thanks, christina :))
there’s an app called dimensional, which determines your personality type from tests like myers-briggs. dimensional tells me that my primary nature is one of ambition and self-enhancement. i’m motivated by enjoyment and i seek out novelty. what it doesn’t tell me is that my freedom is the most important thing to me. i’m hesitant to make any decisions that limit my freedom. however, i need to be responsible with how i pursue and grow my freedom. i will always make choices that present me with more challenges, but i don’t get stuck anymore. being stuck is a loss of freedom. through all the work i’ve been doing, i not only know how to get un-stuck, but i also know how to keep constructing the life i want.
saying bye to therapy (for now) comes concurrently with a few different things. i’m happy in a new relationship. i’m seeing my family more and providing more support for my parents as they get older. i’m working on a promotion. i continue to introduce more challenges into my life yet am committed to protecting my peace. i worked hard for it. and even though i know there will be other difficult things to face, i trust myself. i’m proud of myself! i am my own greatest joy.